Learning that I don't know anything.
I thought that because as the oldest child I helped "mother" my younger siblings, I would be able to answer every little question about babies that came our way.
Now I laugh to think I thought something so absurd.
Because the truth of it is, I spend almost all of my time with Nicholas thinking and saying "I don't know. I just don't know."
And yet, because I'm his mother, it is expected that I will know. Why he's crying. When he'll be tired again. What those red bumps on his back are. What it means when he has three very full diapers in only ten minutes. Why he won't eat. Why he won't stop eating.
But, unfortunately, I don't know.
Now, there is some instinctiveness about it. And I feel so proud to know that there are times when all Nicholas needs is to be held by his mom. He snuggles his round little face into the space between my chin and my chest, gives a happy little sigh, and all is right with the world again.
Yes, there are times when I do know what he needs and why he's crying. When that happens, I feel more joy than I can express. Because I know that he loves me. I am his mother, and I can take care of him, and make it all better.
For the rest of the time, however, I really wish I had one of these:
You know, push the button, problem solved, state "Now that was easy" in a surprised/satisfied voice, then continue on with my day.Before I had Nicholas, I thought that a call to my mom was life's "easy button." And at that point, it was. Need help with a recipe? Call mom. Need ideas for a project for a class? Call mom. Need help getting rid of a stain, finding something at the grocery store, comparing prices online, etc. Call mom. She had all the answers.
But then, I had a child.
And then, I was THE MOM. And I found out very suddenly that the title does not come with omniscience. Membership to the"all-knowing club" isn't included with your passage into the "trying to lose postpartum weight" club.
Now my questions must be answered by scouring the internet, consulting with my husband, consulting with the Lord through fervent prayer, making guesses and trying something in desperation, then making new guesses and trying again.
Because just like me, my mom doesn't have all the answers.
But I still call her. I trust her. She's had five kids. Her judgment call on my ideas is what gives me the confidence to keep going. Plus, I know that she loves Nicholas as if he was one of her own children. Becoming a mom doesn't bring you all the answers, but it does bring all the love you need to make it through.
And who other than my mom will be able to tell me that the only difference between pure vanilla extract and imitation vanilla is pretty much just the price?
8 comments:
you are a wonderful mother! I know you are doing the best you can...and that's all that matters! I can't wait to see you!
Cute post. You are a great writer. Yeah, I wish all my babies came with directions too. There are just some things we learn through experience, unfortunately.
I love how you just say things so perfectly, Becca. :)
And I hope you've had a chance to talk to Jenn!
moms are great for help, aren't they? :)
you'll figure out some of the answers as you go along, and some delightful situations will just always remain a mystery. :) (I've experienced the filling 3+ diapers in 10 minutes.)
You just do the best you can!
I think we all have those days when we wish we had an easy button. Luckily we have moms, friends and others to help us through.
You said it all perfectly. The great thing about not knowing everything is that as you try, guess, and reguess, you learn more than facts, you learn how to love and trust the being who is all-knowing and all-loving. Isn't it great!
That is another reason I am glad I had my nany experiences. I didn't have any questions, when I became a mom. and when I did ask my mom for advise she just told me that I was doing better than she ever did. that made me feel great. Now the marriage thing, well that's a whole other story I have millions of questions for my mom in that department!
You are doing great. just remember there comes a time when everyone says to themselves I just don't know!
It is so true! I was around babies and children for my whole life, and was even an aunt at 11. I taught school, had training in child developement, etc, etc - but when I got that baby home, I realized that I knew nothing :). Thank goodness for inspiration, mother's intuition - we know our kids, and the support of our own mothers and for me, my sisters.
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