Monday, September 28, 2009

infatuation


So. Motherhood.

It is the hardest thing I've ever done. I mean, I knew it would be hard...everyone said so and I've been around kids enough to at least know it would be hard, but I didn't realize exactly what kind of hard these early days would be. No one tells you how you'll walk around like a zombie, how you'll feel you have nothing intelligent to say to anyone anymore because you can't think straight, how many times a day you'll change outfits, how you might sometimes feel no one appreciates the work you do, the long days and the longer nights.

And yet, there's something about it that makes the hardness, easy.
Something about how deep down inside I know I'm doing the work of God.
Something that means that at the end of the day, when I feel like I've accomplished nothing visible (dirty dishes in the sink, no shower, leftovers for dinner, spit-up on the couch) I know that I've accomplished
one more day of the most precious work anyone could be doing.

You couldn't pay me enough to leave Nicholas and go away to work. I love my job. And I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Not even for sleeping.
I'm raising a child, you see.

I've got a long ways to go--he's only just barely accomplished growing out of newborn size diapers, creating a sort of
haphazard schedule, and smiling.
But oh those smiles.

Last night I was singing primary songs to Nicholas, my way of begging him to fall asleep. He was watching me with his deep blue eyes. His eyes that seem to soak up the world, taking everything in, memorizing every new sight and face. And as he stared at me, the right corner of his mouth crept upwards until his face was filled with the most beautiful open-mouthed grin I've ever seen. It was gone again as suddenly as it had come, but even that briefest smile melted my heart.

He knows me
, I thought. We were communicating, for the first time.

And in that instant I fell head over heels for my beautiful baby boy. Again.

10 comments:

Teresa said...

Beautiful post-
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Emily said...

very well written, you completely drew me in and made me fall for him too! :) I agree that I could not leave my babies with anyone else, call me selfish but I am the one who wants to be there for their every need watching them learn and change by the minute... there is nothing harder and better than being a mom! So glad that your enjoying the beginning of your journey!! he is so precious not to mention lucky to have you for his mama! xoxo

The Tibbitts said...

Very well said. You have a great way of putting into words the paradoxes of motherhood, but more importantly, communicating the joy that comes from the sacrifice. Thank you for the reminder.

Jocelyn said...

Motherhood is the greatest, isn't it. Brock was a very good baby and slept very well right from the start but I have a feeling our baby Nicholas will be a bit different, so I'm thinking those sleepless nights everyone keeps talking about are on their way to my door!

sadie607 said...

That was really beautiful. Perfectly, stated. The moments of smiles, laughs, and snuggles make the really difficult times so worth it.

Lis said...

What a sweet little post Becca! I love it!

Shannon b said...

true, true. Well-written, well-spoken post Becca.
Yes - I totally agree with those first few weeks (zombie, not thinking straight, etc.). My friends and I often refer to the 3-month fog. Somewhere around 3 months the fog starts to lift and you feel like you can function again. And for me, it's always around 9 months when I finally feel like myself again. I can almost remember the "day" with each of my kids when that happened. A sort of "hello, me. welcome back."

In the mean-time, here's to finding your way through the fog and enjoying those baby smiles.

Libby said...

Great post. The zombie days will soon pass, all though right now you wish it were sooner rather than later, and you will wonder where in the world the time went. Enjoy the journey. It's great that you are able to stay at home with Nicholas. That's something that not everyone can do.

heidi said...

oh so sweet! and you know for me getting all the work done came slowly, year by year & month by month. I get better and better at getting my work done along with being a mom, but really it is such a blessing to be home with them.

Lisa Brown said...

What you said is so true. And Shannon is right, that at about 3 months, you get in the groove and feel somewhat "normal" - like you can really do this mother thing. There are still hard days, but those moments like you had help hold you together - that and prayer, with the occasional nap thrown in :).