Friday, January 6, 2012

the truth

Attempting to take down the Christmas decorations. 3 days working on it now and I'm still not done. Almost.

Before I even got pregnant with Ellie I wondered what it was going to be like.
Having two kids.
I knew that the workload was going to increase exponentially.
And I wondered if it was even possible for the joy
to increase just as much.
I mean, with Nicholas we were happier than we had ever been before,

Could it really get better?
Or would it just get harder?

The truth?

This is hard. Between Nicholas's ever eager "helping" hands and Ellie's rotating sleep, eat, diaper schedule, I feel like I get nothing done.

Most nights, when we finally get Nicholas to bed right as Ellie starts to cry for her bedtime feeding frenzy, I find myself telling Kent how all I want is
just 15 minutes where no one little needs me.
I just want to be able to shower without getting out four times to replace Ellie's pacifier and without Nicholas opening the bathroom door over and over,
letting in all the cold air.

I feel guilt.  When I take care of one child, I feel guilt about the attention I feel like I should be giving to the other.  I know it will all get better and easier as the months go by,
but I feel guilt nevertheless.

I kind of feel like I don't have time to be fun anymore.
I'm too busy cleaning up after blow-out diapers, trying to stop Nicholas from wiping his nose on his sleeves (futile), calling hospitals and doctors to clear up the insurance mess we made with changing jobs right before having a baby, doing dishes and laundry over and over.

And yet somehow, I am happier.
I can't even explain it.   It's just the truth.

I love Kent more right now than I ever have.  As we work harder to take care of our children, I see how good of a father he is.  I see how incredible he is as a husband.  I see how well he takes care of and provides for our family.
I feel like now, more than ever before, we are partners and it is good.

There are moments, sometimes brief, when all is right and everyone is happy.
Like last night, right before Kent got home. The house was clean (miracle), Ellie was smiling and cooing on my lap, and I was helping Nicholas draw pictures of our family on his chalkboard.

Or the little moments when I hold my busy little boy close and remember how he felt in my arms when he was Ellie's age.  

Or this morning, when Ellie gave me her first little laugh.

Or when we went out to find a new favorite frozen yogurt place and Nicholas proved that he really does know his colors as he correctly labeled every single m&m in his bowl.

Or at bedtime, when I say goodnight to Nicholas and he whispers a very very sweet "Merry Christmas Mommy."  (He hasn't figured out that Christmas was only one day.)

I saw a quote this morning on Pinterest.
"The joy of motherhood comes in moments."  
-Elder M. Russell Ballard.

I think I'm learning that most of the time, being a mother is hard.
But when those joyful moments come, somehow that joy lasts just long enough to get you to the next good moment.


Teresa said...

I believe the role of mother demand more creativity, compassion, wisdom, and sacrifice,then anything we can do... I too often found myself when I had small children at home; growing weary of trying to meet lofty expectations and care for the needs of others…. Oh, the guilt…. Boy, that Satan…sure likes to mess with Mothers.
don’t yield to the temptations to blame yourself or feel the guilt.
So many voices call. So many demands are made. When we can’t answer all the calls or finish all the projects, how can we avoid that monster guilt? Here’s a little saying that has helped me-
“I’ll be content if I can just learn
Which bridges to cross and which to burn.”
I can’t tell you which to cross and which to burn- that is a life lesson we each learn.
Becca you are doing just as you should- love your children, love your husband- keep they warm and safe, teach them right from wrong….help them to be happy…that’s pretty much it. =)
Sorry this was kind of long =)
Hugs the kids for me
Ps. being a Mother never ends...just keeps being added upon.

Becca and Kent said...

Thanks Teresa!
I'm hoping, though, that this post didn't seem like I am just complaining...I meant for it to be a
"it's hard but I'm so so happy anyway" post.

Teresa said...

The post did not seem like you were complaining....I know that you are happy- I understand. =)

Shannon b said...

oh, been there. :) Adding a new little one to the mix is always hard, exhausting, you feel like a grump, and you wonder if life is ever going to be normal again. Like I said, soooo been there.
As I read your blog post a quote by Elder Ballard popped into my head . . . and lo and behold, you had that very quote in your post! I remember listening to and reading and re-reading his talk from General Conference. It is so so true. The joy of motherhood comes in moments. Smaalllll moments. It's rare to have an entire day that is joyful. But rather it's the happy parts here and there that you have to gather together to find the joy.

Shannon b said...

here's the talk:
Read it, or better yet watch it. Let's see, I had a 7, 5, and 2 year old at the time and I remember bawling through the whole thing. :)

Jocelyn said...

i think you stated everything perfectly! It's a big Hard job but those moments make your day sometimes your week. My boys have started that constant fighting with each other and believe me at times It's all I can do to keep my sanity. but then there's that moment when one of them gets hurt and the other comes to the rescue, that melt my heart.

Oh and as for the frozen yogurt ny sister swears by Yogurtland. and my Brock who normally doesn't like ice cream LOVES it there! I'm just saying!

magunn said...

I love how you word things.

I must add one enormous AMEN, and throw a whole lot of gratitude your way.

It's nice to know that feeling this way is normal.

Oh, and wasn't it Brother Lowe who said that? Were we in the same class? Or did he just say that over and over again?