why I'm doing it again

Me and Nicholas-one day old

 I've been thinking a lot this week.

On Tuesday I read an article.  The No-Baby Boom.  According to the article, there are 58.4 million married couples in America, and 26.9 million of them are childless.
The article states that, in essence, "children have gone from being an economic asset to an economic liability."

It continues:
"But for the child-free, the benefits go beyond dollars and cents. There's less guilt, less worry, less responsibility, more sleep, more free time, more disposable income, no awkward conversations about Teen Mom, no forced relationships with people just because your kids like their kids, no chauffeuring other people's kids in your minivan to soccer games you find less appealing than televised chess."

And you know, these things are all true.
But they are missing the most important part.

I do sleep less than I would without children.
But to miss the sweetness of those middle of the night milk-drunk smiles, when a dribble of milk falls down their chin as their head rolls back and they're sound asleep again? Or the chubby dimpled hand that curls around my neck in the darkness? I wouldn't.

I do have less (if any) free time.  I can't even use the bathroom with the door closed. 
But I can't bear to think about not being the person who gets to have Nicholas as my constant little bud.  And to miss his excited/astonished "Wook at dat!"  when he discovers something new, or his delighted "Hi Mommy!" when he follows me around the house?  I couldn't!

I do worry more. About everything from the value of organic food to the structure of a proper time-out to the strange rash that shows up suddenly.  I wake up in the middle of the night and get up and make sure all the windows are locked.  I check my sleeping boy's temperature so often that I regret it-he wakes up sometimes. 

But I'd rather worry about all of those things and all the things to come than spend all my time thinking about myself.  

Parenthood is hard work. Hard hard hard. It makes me cry. It makes me want to pull my hair out (and sometimes I even do!). It makes me want to give up. 

I will not say that it isn't hard.  But that is precisely why it is so wonderful. 
I am happier now than I have ever been. 
You see, being a mother is helping me to reach my divine potential.  More than anything I have experienced before, the love and sacrifice I give for my child(ren) is teaching me about God's love. 

And that is why, in around 18 weeks, I am going to be delighting in that special smell of a just-born baby. 
I am going to be holding her on my chest, kissing her neck, sniffing her hair. 
I am going to be sitting in that hospital bed, tired and sore, marveling in the miracle that Heavenly Father has sent me yet another one of his precious children. 

I wouldn't give that up for anything.  Anything.