Somehow, almost too fast for me to realize,
I've gone from this:
As with Ellie's pregnancy, we found out three weeks ago that I'm over halfway progressed as far as labor goes (so technically I'm in active labor??), and each day I have a moment or two where I find myself wondering, is this it? Is it time?
And then the contractions go away, or I go to bed and wake up feeling just fine again.
So we wait.
I told myself I wouldn't let it bother me this time around (I very nearly lost my mind those last three weeks of Ellie's pregnancy,) but really.
This is maddening.
I'm trying so very hard to be patient and remind myself that my little guy is probably learning some important last-minute things up there in heaven,
but I find myself praying that he'll just learn maybe a leeeetle bit quicker? and come join us?
The problem is, when I have preterm labor scares early on, I feel this urgency to get everything ready for baby. Clothes sorted, diapers bought, crib set up, blankets washed and folded, hospital bags packed, babysitters lined up and on-call, after-baby menu plans made, house deep cleaned, etc.
Because, what if he comes early? I need to be ready.
And then baby doesn't come early. (Which is great news, of course!)
But I'm ready.
And there's nothing left to do
So, here's my attempt at finding the great things even though I just want to sit around and be grumpy and fat and tired.
I have the greatest hair right now. So thick, so shiny and soft. Every day is a great hair day, and it won't be like that after the baby is born and I start losing it by the handful.
We're taking advantage of our last days (for a season) with children who are flexible (no naps!), easy to get out of the house, and can be out and about without supplies. We've gotten cupcakes and donuts, gone out to eat several times (double awesome because then I don't have to try and think of what to make for dinner), met Daddy for lunch during the day, and enjoyed running errands on Saturdays without having to haul a diaper bag or sippy cups along.
My house is super clean most of the time, because I go to bed each night wondering if this is going to be "the night," so I clean as if we'll have to call one of those babysitters over at 2 am.
Also? The nesting hormones make me a crazy woman.
I find myself cleaning baseboards with baby wipes, scrubbing the corners of our showers, constantly organizing toys and books, deep cleaning and vacuuming the van, folding all blankets and clothing in all of our closets, and taking the vacuum completely apart so I can scrape out the grime with toothpicks (not even kidding....crazy, I know.)
The kids have learned how to be super helpful around the house, and I'm loving it. They will happily (most of the time) clean up their messes, vacuum the floor, help me mop, and fetch things for me. They are so sweet, and they seem to understand that my body hurts, but that it will be better soon. For this, they're much more patient than their mother.
I'm oddly claustrophobic when I'm pregnant (and only when I'm pregnant), and having all three of my children all stuffed together around my middle just about makes me scream. I've gotten good at taking deep breaths and pretending like it doesn't bother me,
and on the plus side, I haven't been cold a single day this winter. It's been an extremely mild winter, anyway, but even on the cold days I've been great, and usually my fingers and toes are perpetually icy in the winter.
And most importantly, I've been able to recognize how my relationship with Heavenly Father is deeper, closer, and more instantly connected when I'm pregnant. I've learned that He is right there, my heart is softer and my spirit needs Him more.
So, while I really want to have this baby any day now, while I love my son and ache to meet him and hold him in my arms (and not have him smashing into my hip socket),
I'm going to try my very best to see the beauty in the last month and just be here, one day at a time.